I seem to have been stripped of my super powers. No longer can I accomplish everything plus by yesterday.
Working on two books while planning a third, plus blogging, plus other cash-paying tasks has created an overwhelming overload, with overwhelming being the operative word — brain freeze, a near total shut down.
The symptoms include an inability to think clearly and a pain in my own neck; literally, it’s on the left side. I finally figured out that the pain is caused by Freecell (yes, that solitaire-like game that comes with the Windows operating system). It seems that the amount of time I spend playing Freecell on the computer is an excellent inverse indicator of how “in-control” I’m feeling about my current projects. I’m not shirking my tasks in lieu of playtime — the obsessive/compulsive drive that keeps me clicking feels like an addiction and as such it’s really not fun. Nor is it relaxing. So why “play”? Probably because I can win and feel like I’ve accomplished something. When I lose, I just click again until I win…hence the addictive nature of it. It runs neck-in-neck with re-arranging the furniture, books, and/or files in my office, although the re-arranging activities do allow me to claim some trickle-down benefit to the waiting work that is not the case with Freecell.
So what’s the antidote? To identify small easy-to-complete tasks. Sounds simple but it’s more than a notion when my projects are all intertwined. It’s the tangle that must be unraveled and sometimes it cannot be done by force. It’s not a matter of will-power or dedication, my butt is firmly planted in the chair, but it does remind me of trying to meditate — I am unable to make my mind go blank, and I find it equally hard to imagine a single image, whether it’s white light or a flower or a shoe. My mind wanders, faster and farther the harder I try to rein it in. I’ve heard that constant jumping around from one figurative treetop to the next described as ”monkey brain.” So if trying hard makes it worse, perhaps not trying at all will allow some thoughts to crystallize and emerge on their own.
Let’s hope so, ’cause I’ve got a lot of work to do.
“Only amateurs say that they write for their own amusement. Writing is not an amusing occupation. It is a combination of ditch-digging, mountain-climbing, treadmill and childbirth… But amusing? Never.”
–Edna Ferber (1887–1968), U.S. writer. A Peculiar Treasure, ch. 1 (1939).
You are an amazing woman, to say the least! What you have described in the “overwhelm” department is what I often feel when I have probably a tenth of the projects you have. Years ago, I was a failure at meditating for the same reasons. And my addictive computer game of choice used to be that “Throw Paper” game (or whatever it’s called). You always seem to achieve your many goals and I am sure you will continue to do so. Give yourself a break, girl (but have mercy on your neck)!!
I always got itchy when trying to meditate, and then I realized I already knew how… listening to music. Nowadays I seem to be listening to the music left behind by departed friends: Art Farmer, Al and Zoot, Nick Travis, Billy Byers, Manny Albam, Joe Newman, Gerry Mulligan, Claude Thornhill, Count Basie, Lawrence Brown, Johnny Hodges, Clifford Brown. The music conjures up images of these men at their best, and I am refreshed and inspired.
If warm good wishes are any help, I send you a bushel.